I lied the other day, full out lied to a couple of friends about something. While it was something small about something my life that they didn't really need to be privy to in the first place, its been chewing me up inside. Here is the main reason why: I did it almost reflexively. I did something stupid, botched it up and lied about it so they wouldn't find out that I'd done something so dumb. It felt reflexive and when I thought about it a few minutes later, I found myself wondering why I had even felt the need to lie a at all instead of saying "never mind" or "none of your business" or even "Oops". No, instead I lied and it got me dwelling on my everyday dis-honesties. I am dis-honest all the time in one way or another and I don't know how I got to this point.
I used to just think: "This is who I am and this is what I think. If you don't like it then you can get fucked." I used to live accordingly and it was the only time I can remember really being happy. But I don't anymore and I'm not. I hide and I obfuscate and now I'm beginning to lie and bullshit - How the hell did I come to be like this?
I'm always afraid that someone is going to hurt me. That if I open up to my friends, that if I tell them everything they'll realize how stupid, ignorant and boring I am. Or else, if I share all of the things that I think and feel and dream, if I share the things that I care about, they'll use it to tear me down (granted, with some people, its because they actually have and sometimes still do). So I leave things out when I talk about my life and I hide parts of my life from them. I've become so afraid of being hurt that I've cocooned myself in this misanthropic, introverted shell to keep people at arms distance. I've spent the last few years pushing away all of the people closest to me because some part of me feels like: if I divorce myself from them, it'll hurt less when they disappear; they can't hurt me if they never get a chance. I haven't dated since 2006 - that's four years - because I'm terrified of rejection. I can't even speak in class anymore without breaking into violent trembling fits - and then I spend the next few hours, sometimes even days dwelling on whatever I said, on how dumb I must have sounded. And when I spend too much time around my "friends" I become horribly paranoid. I am obsessed with what people think of me. Why?
I've spent years self medicating all of this bullshit with drugs and alcohol and now that I'm not, I've just become a recluse. I'm terrified of getting hurt and terrified of being wrong (publicly) and I'm terrified of being unloved.
I've been attempting to work on all of these things of late but I think this whole dishonesty thing needs to be addressed and redressed. I think its my way of enabling myself.
So, I've decided to continue my self help with this blog since its sitting here anyway. I'm going to write whatever I'm thinking about. Whoever doesn't like it can suck it. Whoever doesn't care can refrain from wasting their time and fuck off. And I can force myself to deal with the fact that not having people care, agree, or want to hear what I think is not a good reason to try to will myself into non-existence.
K Thnx.
